It all sounds like gibberish to me.

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Tower of Babel

My priest gave a great Pentecost homily today. He Began by talking about the tower of Babel. The rather over confident (more like arrogant) people of that time wanted to build a tower high enough to reach God – ie. they wanted to control God. When God saw what they were trying to do He confused all their languages. In the confusion and communication breakdown the whole project failed.

Then we have Pentecost. The Holy Spirit descends on the disciples and they suddenly realise they have the ability to speak in all different tongues. They are understood by everyone.

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What struck me about these two situations was the issue of control. The people building the tower of Babel wanted complete control. The fools wanted a relationship with God, but they wanted to be in charge. God wasn’t having any of it! They were completely full of themselves. The tower of Babel and desire to be in control was mans initiative.

In contrast, the disciples had let go of themselves and their own ideas had been filled with the Holy Spirit. They had all received many spiritual gifts – power, if you will, but it was God’s power and they knew and respected that. They were not full of themselves but were full of the Holy Spirit. Pentecost was God’s initiative.

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If we take these ideas into the present day we can see that things have not changed so much! Within the Catholic Church we have certain pro-abortion ‘Theologians’, and certain pro-divorce and remarriage Cardinals. We have the pink clergy brigade and the lunacy of the coven of banshee’s that will not stop screeching about female ordination.

Honestly, some of the stuff these guys come out with is so hard to get one’s head around – it would be easier to decipher and translate an army of Minions than it would be to work out what those groups are saying.

All these groups do seem to want a relationship with God, but they want it on their terms. Oh but hang on a minuet, I do too. There were many years I was having a relationship with Christ but refused to stop using contraception. And then there was the phase when I used to use prayer as an escape from the duties of a wife and a mother. That phase must have been rather tiresome for God. I would turn up to pray feeling all holy and excellent, and then I would just run the show and talk, talk, talk and wouldn’t let God get a word in edgeways! I couldn’t risk actually listening to God – He might tell me that the best place to find Him was in the pots and pans!😉  – (Teresa of Avila).

And then there is the issue of suffering. “I promise I will believe in You God and I’ll never do anything wrong again – just as long as You don’t ask me to suffer in my life, ever. Well maybe a little bit but only as much as I say is ok…” 

Ha!Ha!

We all try to control God in our subtle little ways. It stems from our chronic lack of trust and chronic lack of humility problem. Yeah, that’s  what was afflicting the Tower of Babel builders, and that’s what affects us today. And when we begin to rely on ourselves in this life we soon find that nothing makes sense – just like the Babel builders did.

But as we see from Pentecost, when we let go of ourselves and our own ideas in complete humility and trust, God can then come and fill that space with His Spirit, and all of a sudden everything makes sense – even the really crazy impossible paradoxical stuff like agape love. We must let go, and let God.

I’m still working on it…😉

The Holy Spirit’s prefered pronouns.

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Fr James Martin SJ once again managed to deeply offend the Holy Spirit today by using the gender pronoun ‘her’.

I find it terribly sad that in these triumphant days of political correctness, diversity and gender neutrality, that a leader in ‘progressive’ Catholic theology such as Fr James Martin SJ could be quite so narrow minded and discriminatory.

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Why does he feel the need to confine the Holy Spirit to a specific gender? By the fact that the Holy Spirit is referred to in the Old Testament using the Hebrew female noun ‘ruah‘ as well as the male noun ‘elohim‘ surely proves that the Holy Spirit is gender fluid? The greek word for the Holy Spirit ‘pneuma‘ is actually gender-neutral. Surely this is a much more progressive way of speaking about the Holy Spirit?

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Perhaps Fr James Martin SJ would like to step out of his uber traditional constrictive gender mentality and stop offending the Trans and Non-Binary communities? I feel he would benefit from spending some time amongst these communities to see that a person can truly exist without the need for rigid gender classification.

I’m in no doubt that the Holy Spirit’s prefered pronoun would be ‘Ze’. When we talk about Zir in this way we offend no-one, and do not restrict Zir to any limits. We acknowledge the fluidity and creativeness Ze is capable of in Zir non-genitalic/genderless form.

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Oh but wait just a second… “Gender ideology is demonic!” Pope Francis insists. He says that it militates against “the order of creation.” He sees it as so toxic, so destructive, that he has compared gender ideology to “the educational policies of Hitler.

Hmmm. Problemo.

Ok sorry Fr James Martin SJ, I guess if you want to remain in good standing with the church you can’t use gender neutral pronouns after all. But I guess that also applies to the fact that you are still calling the Holy Spirit ‘her’ too.

Have you ever heard of a book called The Catechism of the Catholic Church? It’s really good!

Did you realise the Good Samaritan said this?

Just then a lawyer stood up to test Jesus. “Teacher,” he said, “what must I do to inherit eternal life?”
He said to him, “What is written in the law? What do you read there?”
He answered, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your strength, and with all your mind; and your neighbor as yourself.”
And he said to him, “You have given the right answer; do this, and you will live.”

But wanting to justify himself, he asked Jesus, “And who is my neighbor?”

Jesus replied, “A man was going down from Jerusalem to Jericho, and fell into the hands of robbers, who stripped him, beat him, and went away, leaving him half dead.
Now by chance a priest was going down that road; and when he saw him, he passed by on the other side.
So likewise a Levite, when he came to the place and saw him, passed by on the other side.
But a Samaritan while traveling came near him; and when he saw him, he was moved with pity. He went to him and bandaged his wounds, having poured oil and wine on them. Then he put him on his own animal, brought him to an inn, and took care of him. 
The next day he took out two denarii, gave them to the innkeeper, and said, ‘Take care of him; and when I come back, I will repay you whatever more you spend.’
Which of these three, do you think, was a neighbor to the man who fell into the hands of the robbers?”
He said, “The one who showed him mercy.”
Jesus said to him, “Go and do likewise.”

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Pope Francis gave a catechises today on the good Samaritain that focuses on the moral lesson that we should find practical ways to love our neighbour during this year of mercy.

I felt Pope Francis was leaning the teaching towards meeting peoples material needs, which is a topic extremely close to his heart. And while this is an important moral lesson, it does slightly gloss over the fact that the original and contextual question to which Jesus was responding was from a lawyer asking: “What must I do to inherit eternal life?”

As every good Christian knows, no amount of practical good works will ever take away ones sin. And while there is nothing wrong with it, simply loving ones neighbour will not inherit you eternal life. The only way to inherit eternal life is to recognise and accept the free gift of mercy that is available to us from Christ’s sacrifice on the cross.

As with all Jesus’ parables, there was learning within learning. There were superficial lessons and much deeper lessons hidden within the deep imagery of the words.

St Augustine looks at the same parable allegorically:

“A certain man went down from Jerusalem to Jericho; Adam himself is meant; Jerusalem is the heavenly city of peace, from whose blessedness Adam fell; Jerichomeans the moon, and signifies our mortality, because it is born, waxes, wanes, an dies.
Thieves are the devil and his angels. Who stripped him, namely; of his immortality; and beat him, by persuading him to sin; and left him half-dead, because in so far as man can understand and know God, he lives, but in so far as he is wasted and oppressed by sin, he is dead; he is therefore called half-dead. 
The priest and the Levite who saw him and passed by, signify the priesthood and ministry of the Old Testament which could profit nothing for salvation.
Samaritanmeans Guardian, and therefore the Lord Himself is signified by this name.
The binding of the wounds is the restraint of sin. Oil is the comfort of good hope; wine the exhortation to work with fervent spirit.
The beast is the flesh in which He deigned to come to us. The being set upon the beast is belief in the incarnation of Christ.
The inn is the Church, where travelers returning to their heavenly country are refreshed after pilgrimage. The morrow is after the resurrection of the Lord.
The two pence are either the two precepts of love, or the promise of this life and of that which is to come. The innkeeper is the Apostle (Paul).
The supererogatory payment is either his counsel of celibacy, or the fact that he worked with his own hands lest he should be a burden to any of the weaker brethren when the Gospel was new, though it was lawful for him “to live by the gospel”.”

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I love this explanation of the parable because like everything Jesus did and said, it draws attention to who He was, and what He was here to do. With this we can see that the Good Samaritan holds a much deeper meaning than just the practical moral lesson of helping the needy.

Perhaps a good exercise is to read over the passage again, placing ourselves in the role of the man who was beaten – keeping Christ as the Samaritan character.
In this way we can see how Satan attacks us, and we become mortally wounded from our own sin.
No rules or regs are going to be able to save us. Only the love and mercy of Christ (as played by the Samaritan) can save us – when we can’t help ourselves. He will pay the price that we cannot pay. He will save us.

All we can really do in this life is to recognise our brokenness, weakness and sinful mortal wounds, and to reach up with all our strength and beg: “Help me!”

Personally I believe the parable of the Good Samaritan to be less of a feel good lesson in helping the poor, and more of a lesson in our radical spiritual poverty and God’s infinite generosity, which is what I feel the year of mercy should really be focusing on.

Understanding Tina Beattie’s nonsensical drivel.

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Prof. Tuna Buttie

For those of you who don’t know already, Tina Beattie is a Protestant to Catholic convert who has become a fairly well known theologian in the UK. She is Professor of Catholic Studies and Director of Digby Stuart Research Centre for Religion, Society and Human Flourishing and of Catherine of Siena College, both based at the University of Roehampton in London UK.

Much of her research focuses on the relationship between the Catholic tradition and contemporary culture, particularly in areas to do with gender, sexuality and reproductive ethics; Catholic social teaching and women’s rights, and theology and the visual arts. Her current and recent doctoral supervision is in the areas of feminist theology and women’s ordination, Black Madonnas, the homosexual person and the magisterium.

Tina is a Trustee of the Catholic weekly magazine The Tablet and a member of the Theological Advisory Group of the Catholic Agency for Overseas Development (Cafod).

She has (along with some other women catholic theologians) written a letter to the Polish Bishops, whose country is currently introducing legislation that would completely protect the right to life of unborn children. In the letter she argues against the equal right to life of all members of the human family, and in favour of “early, safe and legal” abortion for disabled babies.

That’s right folks – not only is she pro women priests and pro gay marriage, she is also pro abortion.

There is now a petition to have her removed from her position as advisor to CAFOD. If you would like to sign it please click HERE.

I have written to Roehampton University to ask them if having a Professor of Catholic studies who is so obviously against the teachings of the Catholic Church, is really meeting the University’s standards of offering their students the best education. I await their reply.

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Tina’s dreadful book. I’m guessing she is about to throw it at the Vatican – the same as she does with her nonsensical verbal theological wiffle-waffle. 

Now for me, Tina Beattie is just fascinating. Of course it is true that no-one can truly tell what is going on in her internal life, but her outward actions and theories do give us a jolly good idea. And the reason I am wanting to dissect her internal life is because she is in several positions of authority in which people look to her for theological guidance – even if it to hold up their own wacky religious views they wished could come true. She is abusing her position of power and I am not going to stand for her leading others astray.

From her writings and theories it is plain to see that Mrs Beattie (bless her heart) is spiritually weak and sickly. She is utterly consumed with the idea of a comfortable ‘man centred’ (or should I say ‘person’ centred?!) faith. But as Pope Benedict XVI reminds us: “…you were not made for comfort, you were made for greatness!” All her theories revolve around the idea that we can side-step the cross. And she has warped the faith and moulded it into a pale comparison of itself: she has divorced love from suffering.

I would be absolutely fascinated to know how she describes her relationship with Jesus. What on earth goes on in her prayer life? How can she talk openly to God while her views utterly contradict His church and His commandments?

Well there is two possibilities here as far as I can see:

  1. She has no relationship with Christ and no prayer life.
  2. She does have a relationship with Christ, but she is in charge.

I have to say, I think it is probably the latter. For all her nonsensical babbling, Tina does seem to have a genuinely caring heart for the issues she is passionate about. But she misses the very first commandment “I am the Lord your God. You will have no false Gods above me.”

Tina truly believes she is cleverer that the Catholic Church, the Catechism, the magisterium, Papal writings such as ‘Humanae Vitae’ and ‘Theology of the Body’, the 10 commandments and even God Himself.

You see, all those things are wrong, and Tina’s groundbreaking theology comes to correct all those out of date, discriminatory, sexist and downright boring laws.

Slap me on the wrist if I am being presumptuous here, but that smacks of Satan’s favourite sin to me – pride. Of course Satan himself believed he was higher than God.

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Satanists do weird stuff wearing plastic baby heads to disrupt an anti-abortion protest outside a Planned Parenthood clinic.

Now I’m not totally suggesting that Tina Beattie is Satan incarnate, even though she does advocate murder of the unborn on her theological grounds (so do satanists btw), it’s just that abortion is murder, and God doesn’t like murder. Of course Tina is not advocating all abortions – just those of disabled people and those conceived in rape, because they of course do not have as many human rights as other people, do they?

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Valerie Gatto – Miss Pennsylvania 2014 was conceived in rape.

Perhaps someone should introduce Tina to Valerie Gatto. Valerie was crowned Miss Pennsylvania 2014, and has used her fame to tell the world her story. This beautiful brave young lady was conceived in rape.

“(My Mom) always would tell me I was her light — I am the light to illuminate the darkness for all to see, and I look at it from that moment of conception, there has been that light associated with darkness.”

So Tina – here is a question for you to ponder over:

According to your  theology, because she was conceived in rape, Valerie did not have the same human rights as me, because I was not conceived in rape. Now that we are both adults, does she still have less human rights than me?

I suppose that question also applies to the disabled. Do disabled people have less human rights than you do, Tina? Did they have less rights that you did in the womb?

What does God say about this? What does His church teach about this? Who’s in charge Tina – you or God?

Tina…? Can you hear me? I’d love to hear your answer…

 

 

 

The risk of a tender heart.

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Dear Jesus,

I want to talk about tenderness of heart.
The more and more I dwell on it, I think tenderness of heart is the key to understanding the Christian message. What else is there?! If our hearts are tender then we will be able to receive and give love and more importantly – understand the paradoxical nature of love.
If our hearts are hard then we are literally unable to give, receive or understand love. Only a tender heart can give beyond what reason says it can give. Only a tender heart can suffer without resentment or unhappiness.
A tender heart is also able to open to receive the love that is beyond reason. A tender heart knows faith, and does not require explanation – because a tender heart understands that love cannot be scientifically explained, only given and received.
It is when our hearts become hard that explanation is required, and no answer will suffice because there is no answer except love itself. If your heart is not tender enough to give or receive love then you will never be able to understand it!
We are all born with beautifully open tender hearts. But life and people wound us – and a wounded heart can become defensive. Love requires risk, and to the wounded heart this risk can often seem too much to bear, and the heart then turns in on itself and becomes hard and cold.
The other thing that wounds a tender heart is sin. Regular exposure to sin hardens our hearts by allowing the sin to become normalised.
I often think that certain sins are appealing to people who may have been wounded in a specific area, because the hardening of the heart can actually help dull the pain associated with the initial wounding – hardening the heart even more. I have noticed this pattern in my own life.
The price paid for a tender heart is that I will feel pain. This is the price of love. Love and suffering cannot be separated. And certainly in my case this has been the cause of my hardening of heart. To regain that tenderness requires me to soften myself so that pain can be realised and then be given to You. It is only once I have surrendered my pain that You are able to take it away from me and then heal my wounded heart.
Can tenderness of heart ever be regained? Yes, I believe so. Because nothing is impossible for God. But one thing is sure, and that is that without tenderness of heart, I will never be capable of receiving the fullness of Your love. And I can never give to others what I have not received myself. So Jesus please, help me to examine my own tenderness of heart, and then receive from You the healing and softening that I require, so that I can reach other hearts with the tenderness I have received from You.
I love You Jesus.

Did Voris just become our mascot for the Year of Mercy?

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I was very moved to see Michael Voris confess to his gay past a few days ago. I’m sure this must have been a very difficult thing for him to do, but I have to say – I think it is probably the best thing that has ever come out of Church Militant TV.

It explains a lot. The ruthless style journalism, the depth of revulsion – verging on hatred, of all things flimsy and unorthodox within the church, the hair…😉

I think that when someone has lived in the depths of sin for so many years, the freedom that comes with confession and conversion is so life transforming that it is a pretty natural reaction to want to reject all sin with such dramatic force.

Mr Voris has often come across as rather cold and judgmental. But in the light of his recent revelations it is possible to see now that his motivations were not “holier than thou” but much more likely an impassioned revulsion at his own sinful past.

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The reason Mr Voris has brought his past to light was because he claims that New York diocese was “…collecting and preparing to quietly filter out details of my past life with the aim of publicly discrediting me, this apostolate and the work here.” 

A spokesman for the Archdiocese of New York told the Catholic Herald: “It is absolutely, 100 per cent untrue that the archdiocese was collecting and preparing to release anything concerning him personally or his website.”

Hmmm… difficult to say what really happened. I don’t think Mr. Voris would have revealed his past unless he really did think New York diocese was going to try to use it to discredit him. But if he was really smart, he would have allowed them to go ahead and do it – and basically give themselves enough rope to hang themselves with. As it stands now it is very difficult to prove that was the diocese intention.

In recent years New York diocese and Cardinal Dolan have been sued by Catholic parishioners accusing them of covering up for a homosexual priest Fr. Peter Miqueli, who stole millions from parishes to finance a sadomasochistic sex life with his gay-for-pay prostitute.

There was also the decision of Cardinal Dolan to head the 2015 St Patrick’s day parade despite the inclusion of a gay activist group, and the exclusion of a pro-life group. Mr Voris actually questioned Cardinal Dolan on this issue, at the parade itself. It feels very different now to watch this in the light of Mr. Voris’ past. I really think he is extremely brave as this is obviously an issue that is very close to his heart.

Cardinal Dolan recently wrote: “And…the Pontiff who has proclaimed a Year of Mercy, urging us, like a prophet of the Old Testament, like Jesus, like the apostles, like the saints, to ask Jesus for His mercy in our prayer, in the sacrament, and then to show this mercy to others.”

How ironic that those who claim to offer Christ’s mercy, seem to be perfectly alright with a gay activist group being part of their parade, but allegedly try to use the homosexual sins of a man’s past to try to discredit his reputation. While on the other hand we have a man who is renowned for being ruthless and apparently judgmental, now standing as a perfect example of what Christ’s mercy really looks like.

What better Christian witness is there than being a forgiven sinner?:)

What the diocese of New York has perhaps overlooked is that fact that there is nothing shameful about turning away from a sinful past.

Personally I think that this is the best thing that Mr. Voris has ever published. And I am excited to see how he will now continue with his ministry, because now he has revealed his need for confession, compassion and understanding, we will never see Church Militant in the same light again.

God’s love and mercy is made perfect in our vulnerability and weakness.

Bye-bye Faith in our Families, Hello new blog :-)

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Well I’m back. My time in the desert has finished. It was one of the most intense desert times I’ve had.

God has allowed me to face some intensely painful things in my life that needed sorting out. I can only describe it as a complete purging of things in my life that I wasn’t even consciously aware of. Satan hides very effectively behind our fears so we won’t want to look for him. But those dark chains of fear that held me captive for so many years have been forever broken now:-) Thank you Jesus❤

I'm very thankful for the fact that God did not expect me to face it alone, and has provided me finally, after 10 years of searching, with the kindest and most patient spiritual director I could ever have wished for. He loves me as a daughter and can read me like a book, which is just the most enormous relief for me. Thank you again Jesus!❤

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Some very deep personal changes have taken place in me and there is really no going back.

One of the results of these changes is that I am changing my blog to concentrate much more on the interior life. This is much more in line with my Carmelite vocation and feels like the direction I should be going in.

So the ‘Faith in our Families’ blog has come to its natural end. From now on I will be blogging as ‘Listening in the Desert’.

And just to make it crystal clear… Everyone has an interior life. This includes the guitar swinging trouser nun, the mother of 3, the burnt out priest, the sexualy confused teenager, the lukewarm guy who only bothers to turn up when there’s no game on that Sunday, the bitter old traddie, the divorced and remarried, the kid who just made her FHC, the liturgy geek, the old lady who’s understanding of the Faith stops at rules and duty, the dad who only goes to church to keep his wife happy, the Bishops, Pope Francis, and you and me.

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I feel the interior life – our relationship with Christ – is something that is sorely undervalued and often missing from the lives of many ordinary Catholics, and sadly, some clergy. Many of us know about Christ, but we don’t actually know Him.

Many of us go through the motions in church and in prayer, but miss the depth and mystery of what is happening during the Mass. Many of us dryly fulfill our weekly Mass obligation, but miss that connection, that life changing tenderness that Jesus desires to give us when we receive Him in the Eucharist.

The Eucharistic, it’s all about the Eucharist. This mind-blowing total encounter with God. As Catholics we are so gifted with the sacraments. Let’s ask Jesus to open our minds and our hearts so we can really come to know Him, in ‘adoration, contemplation, listening and ardent devotion, until the heart truly “falls in love”‘. – (JPII, Novo Millennio Ineunte)

Surrender.

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Well it’s getting light here now so I should probably think about getting back to bed. But I just want to get this out onto paper before I do.

About an hour ago, after a ridiculously long willed struggle, I finally surrendered to Christ. This struggle has been going on for many, many years.

I surrendered to simply carrying on with my normal daily life. My marriage, my family, everything (mainly my marriage😉 )

No more distractions. I was using them to distract myself from submitting to His will for my normal daily life. His will is that I simply just carry on.

The reason I couldn’t submit was because my life felt like an impossible burden. I couldn’t submit because I felt like I couldn’t carry it, and I couldn’t fix it.

Of course I’ve recently realised (with the help of a great spiritual director) that I really can’t carry it, and I really can’t fix it! Only Jesus can do that. It is such a relief to know that. And with that massive weight lifted, I have managed (by the grace of God) to surrender my will to His and accept where He wants me to be. Thy will be done.

But this time I don’t need to be constantly distracting myself from the despair of a perceived impossible burden, because I’m no longer carrying it. He is:-)

I’m not sure how life is going to be from now on, it all seems a bit new. But my Father knows what I need, and He will provide for me.

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You can’t fix yourself!

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Its been a very painful few days in the desert. From the outside you’d never realise, but we keep many things very well hidden in the depths of our hearts.

I’ve not been alone though. A very kind and patient priest has been directing me, which has mainly consisted so far of him simply listening while I peeled more and more layers away. He listened, and he stayed, steadfast. And he listened more. He didn’t judge, and he didn’t get in the way.

The big breakthrough came today while I was visiting my embroiderers. He had bust his machine and was trying to fix it with a screwdriver. “It won’t fix itself!”  he joked.

It was a lightbulb moment for me.

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“I can’t fix myself.”  I thought. “I CAN’T FIX MYSELF!! :-D”  “My priest can’t fix me either! No one can!”
I suddenly realised I’ve been trying to fix myself through various self destructive coping mechanisms, or… Trying to get other people to fix me for, well, decades…

This is all very deeply hidden stuff. And hiding secretly within those half truths that have been whispering in my ear for decades has been the Father of lies.
All this time he’s kept himself hidden, convincing me that it was my doing, my fault, my responsibility. He whispered that I deserved it, that I was unwanted, unloveable. He convinced me that God was a liar, a harsh and cold Father who was indifferent to me because I was nothing special. And worst of all he convinced me that I was completely alone with it.

All lies.

The freedom came in knowing that I can’t fix it! I have never been able to fix it and I never will! And neither will anyone else! Only Jesus can break these chains and heal the deep, deep hurts within my heart.

Satan’s power over me is broken. I’m free. Praise Jesus!!

The healing will take some time. I’m staying in the desert for a while. But it’s more of a beach holiday now rather than the Foreign Legion:-)

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We travel by night…

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On Easter Sunday my husband and I had a conversation in which aspects of my past dawned on us both.
I was so ready to give myself away entirely into marriage age 20. I didn’t want responsibility for myself on any level, or should I say – I didn’t feel confident in myself in anyway. So my survival plan was to give it all to someone else to take care of for me. (Why he would want to take that on is another story we haven’t even discussed yet.)

So that is how things worked for the next 15 years. He looked after me like a dad. So when he got sick 2 years ago you can imagine how terrifying that was.
I had never had to stand on my own two feet in my life, emotionally, financially or in any other way. But it was something that needed to happen.

Even though he is doing really well now, long term illness in a marriage does change the relationship irrevocably. But this needed to happen. I no longer make my husband an idol by putting him before God in my life. No spouse can ever live up to those standards, and it is not fair to ever expect them to. I no longer cling onto him like an utterly dependent child.

The one I should be clinging onto like an utterly dependent child is of course Christ. But then that relationship had had to change too. Unlike my old relationship with my husband, Christ does not indulge me like a spoiled child. And even though He meets me where I am, He expects me to grow up and act like an adult.

Of course this is not the sort of relationship I want. I want a daddy to look after me and keep all the bad things away from me and fill me with endless consolations. I’m spoiled, and that’s what I’m used to. But Christ knows my heart better than I do, and He knows that deep down I don’t believe I can stand on my own two feet. I’m just a scared little girl in a big bad world.

On some levels I am meeting the challenge. I have started my own business that is doing really well. I am paying our bills. My marriage is much more balanced. But still, Christ is calling me to mature spiritually.

These last few days I’ve been doing everything possible to distract myself from the fact that He is calling me back into the desert, to be with Him alone. I know He wants more of me, and I’m reluctant to say the least!
But there is no escaping it:-) As a Carmelite the interior life is my vocation. It’s who I am! He made me that way – I can’t escape it!

So finally today I stopped struggling. I stopped the useless distractions that don’t even work anymore and I joined my God, my Love, my Father in the desert.

Through the dark night of my senses I can see His face clearly. He stares at me and smiles. I try to avoid eye contact. But soon, I hope I can find the courage to meet His gaze, and at least participate in this challenging game of interdimentional ‘stares’:-)

We travel by night…